Brendan Schaub: The Fat Chick In The Crowd

Why does every group of skinny hot girls always come with a fat chick included?

It doesn’t take an Elon Musk to figure it out: The skinny girls need her to boost their self esteem, she needs them to get access to a world she would never dream of entering by her self.

Which Brings Us To Brendan Schaub

As the fat girl in the group, Brendan’s utility to most comedians is clear. He’s the guy they look to for a feeling of comfort and security after tough night of eating sh*t on the laugh factory stage.

And Brendan’s more than happy to play the part, because without them, he’d have a fat girls chance of seeing any stage time, let alone getting his own Wokeflix special.

How It All Began

For those of you who don’t know how this CTE ridden clown shot off to stardom, here’s a little history lesson.

Brendan Schaub’s Resume:

• Tried to become a football player with the Buffalo Bills (FAILED)
• Tried to fight in the UFC (FAILED, miserably)
• Started stand-up comedy after Joe Rogan emasculated him in front of millions of JRE listeners.
• And here we are today…

This is a historically accurate account of how it all went down. Don’t waste your time with the full episode.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of helping the handicapped with their career goals, but good old uncle Joe’s taken this one too far.

This schaub guy’s taking up valuable stage time that could be given to someone with the ability to string a coherent sentence together.

He Clearly Doesn’t Fit

It doesn’t take a genius to see that this guy’s just not fit to be part of the comedy crew. Lets do a quick rundown of the party from right to left:

• Bobby lee, clearly the funniest guy in the crew.
• Bryan Callen, a heap of talent but missing the wherewithal to bank on it in any real way.
• Theo Von, raw talent, working to refine it, I think he’s got a good chance (barring another disastrous run-in with the pale-skinned bald-headed neighborhood menace).
• Joe Rogan, not really funny, but he’s put in his dues.
• Brendan Schaub, wait, what?

See, it just doesn’t follow.

What the Future Holds

Assuming that his string of past failures will catch up with him, you can bet your ass that Brendan’s career’s gonna tumble. He’s hit his peak, and there’s only one way to go.

My guess? He’ll end up working as a server at Buffalo Wild Wing.

Fingers crossed.