We’re all here, hunkered down inside our stuffy dwellings scared of catching COVID-19, meanwhile a more sinister and deadly virus is spreading through social media like wildfire.
This new virus (dubbed COMED-19) threatens to slowly turn our brains to total mush while we’re in captivity inside our own homes.
This One Was Definitely Manufactured In a Lab
The true origins of the corona virus are still under investigation, but many reliable sources have already confirmed that this new virus was synthesized in a lab for use by the US Department of Intelligence against the general public.
We were attempting to synthesize a compound that we could use to lower the intelligence level of the general population uniformly across the entire nation.– A very distinguished scientist from the government.
The outbreak of this new deadly virus has been traced back to JRE Labs located in the Hollywood Hills, LA County, California.
“A bald stocky man left the lab door open as he went out for his regular afternoon DMT smoke break.” Said the head of security at JRE Labs. “We believe that this was the cause of the virus escaping the lab.”
The unidentified bald stocky man was heard whispering “what’s up NOW, freak bitches?” to himself repeatedly as he paced back and forth in the parking lot, carrying a stick of DMT in one hand, and an elk meat sandwich in the other.Head of Security at JRE Labs
This strange ape-like behavior is causing some to speculate that the leaked virus was an intentional act of domestic terrorism.
The 5 Deadly Strains of COMED-19
It is estimated that, since it’s escape, the virus has already mutated up to 5 times, with each strain bringing with it a more potent set of symptoms.
Please watch for the following symptoms when performing your self assessments.
STRAIN 01: Just Shine Your Light On Me
This relatively mild strain will likely show up in your system as a nagging uncontrollable impulse telling you that your significant other is sleeping with a fictitious man named Theo Von.
These thoughts will be followed up by an immediate and swift wave of denial that may have you repeating some comforting thoughts to yourself. These thoughts may include:
- “There’s nothing going on, it just looks that way.”
- “Theo’s a good guy, he wouldn’t do that.”
- “Who would want that anyways, look at her.”
- “La di da di daa.”
If you’re immune system’s strong enough to push these nagging feelings deep to the base of your brain, never to be heard of again, then you’re likely going to survive. Just focus on strengthening your internal denial dialogue, and come up with some good excuses for why things look the way they do.
STRAIN 02: Text Me But Don’t Text Me
A slightly stronger version of the virus, this one will have you stuck in a delusional infinite loop that you may have a difficult time breaking out from.
At first, you’ll feel strongly compelled to give out your phone number to millions of strangers on the internet, and enthusiastically ask them to text you at their own leisure; that you’d love to hear from them; and that you really really want to connect with each and every one of them.
Once the text messages inevitably flood in, you’ll experience a great deal of shock and anger that the people you extended the offer to are now actually texting you. Some of them are getting agitated that you don’t respond like you said you would. The more you get of what you’ve asked for, the more angry you’re likely to become.
If the anger of getting what you wanted builds up enough, you’ll likely blow your top live on air. You might yell out something like “f*cking community dude…” and proceed to whine for 10 to 15 minutes about how people did exactly what you asked them to do.
This is all before you go back to enthusiastically asking people to text you again, and freely giving out your phone number on Instagram to your 1.1 million followers.
You may have a tough time breaking out of this one on your own. Make sure you have Dr. Drew Pinsky’s phone number on speed dial so he can try to talk you out of it when your infinite loop kicks in.
STRAIN 03: Don’t Forget Me, I Still Have a P*ssy?
This strain is very dangerous.
You’ll first start off as the girl that’s cool for the guys to hang out with. You’ll try that shtick for a little while until you see that your comedy career is going nowhere.
Then, you’ll slowly start to morph into an unbearable human being by subjecting yourself to progressively greater acts of public embarrassment. Acts that are mainly full of raunchy sexual subtexts.
Realizing that you’ve wasted a big chunk of your life, you’ll quickly get married to the first guy that’s too dumb to figure out how to unlock the front door, and start producing offspring.
Your life and career will likely not progress any further after this point.
STRAIN 04: What’s Nepotism B?
The likelihood of you making it out of this one is slim.
You’ll immediately feel a sudden and unstoppable urge to have another man’s fist mashed into your face repeatedly until you can no longer pronounce your words as they were intended to be pronounced.
This urge is unstoppable, and you’ll fulfill it with almost 100% certainty.
After this, you’ll be afflicted with a tourets-like syndrome that’ll have you blurting out meaningless gibberish at seemingly random intervals. If you hear yourself utter any of the following phrases, seek medical help immediately:
- “What’s up B?”
- “Yo Chin, pull that up so Bry can see.”
- “Khabib’s gonna get wasted in the next round.”
Once the reality of all this sets in, you’ll begin to cozy up to whoever has the capability to help you skip all the boring work needed to build any real talent, and jump straight onto the main stage at the comedy store. All the while the suckers who’ve been carefully crafting their sets for years cry foul.
You’ll have to overcompensate for your bi-sexuality by making comically overt sexual comments, and fall completely flat with your unsuccessful attempts at projecting a cartoonish notion of masculinity. All the while, wearing your wife’s ripped up tight jeans and your young nephew’s childishly designed sneakers.
The only solution to this is to intentionally crash your Porsche into a light poll at top speed in the hopes that the impact will shift your brain back into it’s rightful place inside your cranium.
STRAIN 05: Degenerate Maximus
If you’re hit with this strain, it’s over. You’re too far gone to save. The best you can do now is to give up your hospital bed to someone who’s still got a fighting chance.
The symptoms of this strain are extremely sever.
You have no more dignity, no more self-respect. In fact, those concepts are so foreign to you, that you barely even recognize the words when you overhear your friends using them in conversations with each other.
You’re willing to do anything for the smallest crumb of approval or chance of success.
- Will you take your clothes off in public for no good reason? YES.
- Will you say disgusting sh*t for the shock factor? YES.
- Will you laugh maniacally, while the people around you have confused faces from not understanding why you’re laughing? YES.
- Will you sell your family to the devil for a small bump in ratings. YES.
You’ve lost so much of your soul that you barely resemble a human being at all.
You’re more virus than host at this point.
It’s time to throw in the towel.